The Leaky Wiki

BREAKING NEWS

Kim and Kanye's Baby to be Named Kristmas

Phish Ticket Sales Down after Marijuana Legalization in CO

Obama's Favorite Movie is Paul Blart Mall Cop

Lizzie from Arcade Game Rampage is a Reality after Shale Gas Water Supply Contamination

Mars Curiosity Kills Cat

Man On Diet Of Toothpaste "Still Minty" after Six Years

John Boehner to Star in The Sound of Music on Broadway

Cats Apparently a Big Thing on the Internet

Mars Curiosity Rover Finds Rock Blah Blah Blah

"Yeah. Sure," Says Person Who Isn't Listening to a Goddamn Thing I Say

6:54:10 pm EDT PM

Saturday, 25 May 2013

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Horoscopes

Libra: The eclipse of Mars by Venus suggests that you have a secret admirer! But do that special someone a favor, and act surprised when he sends you your first letter written in his own blood.

Scorpio: People often tell you that the truth will set you free. While this may be true in an existential sense, the truth will almost definitely get you 3-5 years in a medium security prison.

Sagittarius: You might have to make the best of a bad situation. It would be advisable to watch Weekend at Bernie’s, just in case.

Capricorn: Things seem to be spiraling out of control. Now would be a good time to pull back on the throttle and even things out before you drop below cruising altitude.

Aquarius: Things in your life will become clearer, and you may have some newfound regrets. Like waiting so long to see an optometrist.

Pisces: Sometimes you have to let people you don’t like take the lead. Just remember, the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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Tunisian Bus Tour Increases Awareness, Rioting

Written by Eric Noah Feldman

Tunis, Tunisia – Recently ousted Tunisian President Zine El Abidine Ben Ali is ‘taking it to the streets’ to improve his public image with an impromptu national bus tour.

Amidst rumors that the oft-maligned ruler…

Granite Countertop Saves Area Marriage

Written by Mike Lindman

SPOKANE, WASHINGTON – Area couple Steve and Laura Sullivan had what they both acknowledged as a loveless marriage, rife with mutual contempt, frosty indifference and seething undercurrents of hatred, jealously and resentment. “It had…

Endangered, Ugly Fish Pleads for “Sea Shepherd” Intervention

Written by Mike Lindman

GULF OF CALIFORNIA – A 1.6 meter long representative of the critically-endangered saltwater species Totoaba (T. macdonaldi) held a press conference in the Gulf of California yesterday, earnestly pleading for militant activist intervention in response…

Pixelated Henchman Complains of Low Job Satisfaction, Opportunities for Advancement

Written by Mike Lindman

STAGE 2: INDUSTRIAL SLUM – In a prepared statement to the labor board of Vicetown, “Biff”, a rank-and-file foot soldier for the criminal syndicate “The Venom Cobras”, protested several aspects of his generic thug position…

Rare bird colony wiped out to discourage poaching

Written by Paul French

YELLOWSTONE, WY- The last know colony of the Amadeusamadeus-calligula sparrows were destroyed yesterday by Yellowstone Park Rangers, concerned about potential poachers praying on the rare bird. Amadeusamadeus-calligula, or Tit sparrows, are famed for their bright orange and silver…

1986 Ford Tempo Owner Nods to Fellow 1986 Ford Tempo Owner at Stoplight

Written by Mike Lindman

DES MOINES, IOWA - Local man and Ford Tempo enthusiast Denny Salvatore, 42, was reported to have given a fraternal nod to Tempo owner Hank Schmidt, 47, at a downtown stoplight after noticing that they…