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BREAKING NEWS

Kim and Kanye's Baby to be Named Kristmas

Phish Ticket Sales Down after Marijuana Legalization in CO

Obama's Favorite Movie is Paul Blart Mall Cop

Lizzie from Arcade Game Rampage is a Reality after Shale Gas Water Supply Contamination

Mars Curiosity Kills Cat

Man On Diet Of Toothpaste "Still Minty" after Six Years

John Boehner to Star in The Sound of Music on Broadway

Cats Apparently a Big Thing on the Internet

Mars Curiosity Rover Finds Rock Blah Blah Blah

"Yeah. Sure," Says Person Who Isn't Listening to a Goddamn Thing I Say

9:57:27 pm EDT PM

Friday, 24 May 2013

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Horoscopes

Libra: The eclipse of Mars by Venus suggests that you have a secret admirer! But do that special someone a favor, and act surprised when he sends you your first letter written in his own blood.

Scorpio: People often tell you that the truth will set you free. While this may be true in an existential sense, the truth will almost definitely get you 3-5 years in a medium security prison.

Sagittarius: You might have to make the best of a bad situation. It would be advisable to watch Weekend at Bernie’s, just in case.

Capricorn: Things seem to be spiraling out of control. Now would be a good time to pull back on the throttle and even things out before you drop below cruising altitude.

Aquarius: Things in your life will become clearer, and you may have some newfound regrets. Like waiting so long to see an optometrist.

Pisces: Sometimes you have to let people you don’t like take the lead. Just remember, the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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Deputy PM Nick Clegg Replaced by Owl

Written by Ed Bradshaw

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg was today dramatically replaced with an owl.

The embattled Lib Dem leader had no comment to make as he left Downing Street this afternoon after his sacking, following allegations he had spilt…

"Barack Always Makes Sure To Give the Kids Extra Veggies at Dinner," Says Michelle Obama at DNC

Written by Julien Blower

CHARLOTTE, NC -- First Lady Michelle Obama gave a riveting speech at the Democratic National Convention on Tuesday, citing her husband's values as a father and as a president. However, the majority of the second half…

Ancient Holy Texts Discovered To Be Shitty First Novel

Written by Matthew Kahn

London, England - When it comes to ancient cultures, the London Museum of Antiquities is one of the foremost authorities in the world, but even they make mistakes sometimes. The Museum is in damage control…

Invisible Obama: "Eastwood Completely Misrepresented and Humiliated Me!"

Written by William Troy Whitaker

Clint Eastwood (Actor/Director of such films as Gran Torino, Million Dollar Baby, Unforgiven, and his lesser known directorial debut of his own birth tape) gave a speech at the RNC which can only be described as…

UK Holds Charity Concert For Rapists

Written by Matt Upchuck

This weekend, Bristol England is to host the first of what is expected to be an annual charity rock music festival to raise money for the controversial UK charity, Holidays For Rapists.

"Did you know that…

Accident on the 405 Freeway Leaves Thousands with Neck Strain

Written by Matthew Kahn

Los Angeles, California - A car fire on the 405 freeway has left hundreds if not thousands of motorists with minor to moderate neck injuries, said the California Highway Patrol at a press conference earlier today. …